"He doesn't have the greatest smarts in the world. His main interests in school were broads and booze."

"I don't want to live in a world where I have to eat sugar-free sugar cookies."

"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."

"No letter from a lover is ever more welcome, brings more joy, than a publisher's expression of interest does to a new author!"

"Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present."

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-----"

"Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to no good."

"A man of sixty has spent twenty years in bed and over three years in eating."

"If a rhinoceros were to enter this resteraunt now, there is no denying he would have great power here. But I would be the first to rise and assure him that he had no authority whatever."

"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."

"IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow."

"The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable."